Voici mon secret. Il est très simple : on ne voit bien qu'avec le coeur. L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux.

>> It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; What is essential is invisible to the eye.

Jedi called me today. He thank me for the 'birthday gift' that I gave him. The 'dream on' site. He said that reading the site was hurting him. Then I said, that I felt the same way, moreover b'coz I'm the one who wrote it. Then, that's all. I asked him to help me with the flyer thing for EC, but don't know why, when he started to explained to me about payment and things like that, it started to irritated me. Why does he had to mention about payments? I know those kind of things too. I feel like he's under estimated me in so many ways.

That's the big issue. Some of the people around me cant really understand myself. But some of them do, they even know me better than myself. Anyway ... I feel like others just accept me for what their eyes captured. Or what their sense is taking them. How can they say or judge me if they haven't really know me, love me, related to me, or building a bond with me? Who are you, that you can place judgment over others that you might not know for sure. How can you even judge others when you can even tame yourself? Such a non sense!!

Sigh...

Btw, this is the picture of Antoine de Saint-Exupery. The Author of The Little Prince.
A man, a pilot, a poet...

Went to church with Tista and Ervand today. It was a great evening, although there's something wrong with ervand. he seems so strange, it's like he's avoiding talking to me. or more, he seems like trying and acting like i'm not there. it kinda hurt... but after talking to tista, i somehow got what's the reason he might acted like that..

tista is right, i kept on thinking that guys never gives me sureness. but in reality, i'm the one who never gives that to myself. and those kind of attitude makes them go confused about me.. did i make my point there? or is it my thinking twisted the whole idea??

and i feel so terrible ... i feel guilty to ervand.

I just write a whole paragraph in tonight's posting, and it just got deleted!!!

Oh man!! I'm too tired to write again..

:: My Redeemer Lives // Nicole C. Mullin ::

Who taught the sun where to stand in the morning?
Who told the ocean you can only come this far?
Who showed the moon where to hide 'til evening?
Whose words alone can catch a falling star?

Well I know my Redeemer lives
I know my Redeemer lives
All of creation testify
This life within me cries
I know my Redeemer lives

The very same God that spins things in orbit
He runs to the weary, the worn and the weak
And the same gentle hands that hold me when I'm broken
They conquered death to bring me victory

Now I know my Redeemer lives
I know my Redeemer lives
Let all creation testify
Let this life within me cry
I know my Redeemer, He lives

To take away my shame
And He lives forever, I'll proclaim
That the payment for my sin
Was the precious life He gave
But now He's alive and
There's an empty grave

Now I know my Redeemer lives
I know my Redeemer lives
Let all creation testify
Let this life within me cry
I know my Redeemer, He lives

Those words sure bring comforts to me. In such a weary days.. I cant even understand how I can still sit straight, and walking with my head up. Seems like there's a power in me, beyond my conciousness, that gives me strength from inside. Thank you God for still being with me in perilous times like this. How I thank You for the unconditional love...

:: Semusim // Marcell ::

Semuanya t'lah terjadi
Cintaku telah pergi
Dan kini ku sendiri
Tanpa dirimu lagi

Tak mudah menepis cerita indah

Semusim t'lah kulalui
T'lah kulewati tanpa dirimu
Tetapi bayang wajahmu
Masih tersimpan di hati

Tak pernah kubayangkan
Kau putuskan cintaku
Kucoba 'tuk lupakan
Semua tentang dirimu

Tak mudah bagiku melupakanmu

God help me out in here ...

Now I know why he asked me to tune in to the radio. He was being 'on the air', and he was apologizing to me. For being unable to reply to any of my sms or helping me in little things. Then the broadcaster asked him about if he got the chance, will he want to get back with me. Then he said, "if the situation allows". But from what I get, is that he jsut dont want to.. Coz hello.. please, like the situation can change in one night? [look who's talking now!!]

Whatever, I'm not in the good mood today, nor have I been in the last one month... Something big is going to happen in the future, for the next 2/3 months. I can sense it in a way...

i hate u a lot. every thing that u said to me after we broke up is simply bullshit. i cant believe that i ever trust u with my whole heart. u're just a low hearted bastard, like everybody else.

I sent it this morning through yahoo messenger to Jedi's. That is after I saw his, well, he was changing the folders on his messenger. I become his campus friend, and there's only one 'specials', reshanita yang kayak T** itu..

Just then, he sms me and asked me to tune in to hard rock fm, God knows what for..
Just hate him more and more each day!!

Just watched Ally McBeal on Star World. Today's episode moved me a lot. It told about a a convict, a murderer, a father who would give his life to her daughter. And of course about Ally, who finally asked Victor (Jon Bon Jovi) out on a date, but suddenly cancelled it becoz she realized that she still in love with Larry (Freddie Prinze Jr.). How those kind of situation happens in everyday life. And how those two things, can almost resembles a little side of my life ... in a way.

don't you think everybody has been in the same condition like those up there? You can have a perception about a person so bad, that it actually based on a living anguish. An emotions that you cant even tell to yourself how it came to live. Or maybe a feeling of wanting to go on with your life, but somewhere in your heart, there's a alarm that reminding you, about someone else. That no matter how much and how true you hated him/her, he/she is still in your heart. Those feelings, keep you from going forward. Sometimes those kind of thinking made me confused about the reason God created relationship. I know it teaches me about my relationship with God, but if its towards men ... Oh my dear Lord, I wish I can say that I want to give up the fight! Relationships makes me acquainted with what we called 'loneliness'.

+ For God has said, "I will never fail you. I will never forsake you." Hebrews 13:5 +

One of the most fearful concepts in life is the utter termination of a cherished relationship. Whether we call it abandoning, forsaking, giving up on us, or divorce, the portrait is a sharp line drawn in a relationship. A line that quickly becomes a great gulf between the two persons, putting them out of reach of one another. And one of the greatest consequences of being abandoned is that it threatens our feeling of self-worth. "I was worthless, so I was abandoned. I had something wrong with me, so no one wanted me." How comforting to know that God will never abandon anyone who loves him.

Anyway, the episode ended with the father killing himself by the head so that his daughter can have a heart transplant as soon as possible. And Ally asked Victor to cook, and it ended up with Victor singing a song with the lyric goes something like this ...

"... and i hope that i wont fall in love with you. and i hope that you're not fall in love with me ..."



Both of them are so cute together!!

:: SWAY // BIC RUNGA ::

Don't stray, don't ever go away
I should be much too smart for this
You know it gets the better of me
Sometimes, when you and I collide
I fall into an ocean of you, pull me out in time
Don't let me drown, let me down
I say it's all because of you

And here I go, losing my control
I'm practicing your name so I can say it to your face
It doesn't seem right, to look you in the eye
Let all the things you mean to me
Come tumbling out my mouth
Indeed it's time to tell you why
I say it's infinitely true

Say you'll stay, don't come and go
Like you do
Sway my way, yeah I need to know
All about you

And there's no cure, and no way to be sure
Why everything's turned inside out
Instilling so much doubt
It makes me so tired - I feel so uninspired
My head is battling with my heart
My logic has been torn apart
And now it all turns sour
Come sweeten every afternoon

It's all because of you
It's all because of you

Now it all turns sour, come sweeten every afternoon
It's time to tell you why, I say it's infinitely true

It's all because of you
It's all because of you
It's all because of you

oH jEdI, wIsH yOu CaN uNdErStAnD ...

"the cries of each note from the heart that swaying out of my guitar of life,
the simple feeling which can turn into a beautiful melody or a heartbreaking rhythm ..."

Time passes by, and I just still standing there, thinking that things could change in one night. What an idiotic mind!! I'm having a stagnation in life. My social life is stuck, my education are stuck, my love life.. yaiks! Even that one is stuck! [giggle] And I'm feelin' like I'm going no where for the last few weeks. Maybe my thinking were right, I need to get back, and pause a little. Things have become a routine for me, and I hate a monotone life. But my assignments from campus is going swell! I did all my task, attend class again without absent. Keep track of my studies, and so on. At least there's something that I do right.

I keep on thinking that most of the guys that is getting in me, is doing it only for fun. Well, ok, maybe not most of them, but ALL!!! Geez! What is wrong with their heads?!! They just come and go, as easy and as quick as a cat winks its eyes. I hate to played around like that. Don't somebody out there thinks that I worth something?! That I'm a special person, that I'm unique and different?! Cant someone give me some credit here?!! What is wrong with men???

[the question is: what went wrong with me??!!]

Such a cool car, especially that it have a UNION JACK pattern!!

Just took this test after reading an email from Danar. Poor thing, he looks pretty confused with things going on campus..

The Big Five Personality Test

Extroverted	||||||||||||||||	62%
Introverted	||||||||||	38%
Friendly	||||||||||||	46%
Aggressive	||||||||||||||	54%
Orderly	||||||||||	40%
Disorderly	||||||||||||||	60%
Relaxed	||||||||||	38%
Emotional	||||||||||||||||	62%
Intellectual	||||||||||||||||	66%
Practical	||||||||||	34%

Take Free Big 5 Personality Test

:: COKELAT // SEGITIGA ::

I was surfing on Google to find things related to Cokelat and their 'segitiga'. I found this link to someone's blog, and when I scrolled down, there's this picture which got Karina in it. Yups, my ol friend at high school. I was shocked, and checked back to one of the email that karina once sent containing pics from one of the events that she get involved in. What a small world!

This last two days, I got so frustated coz Jedi didn't give me a call or anything. Suddenly this cokelat song brings me back to real life. I'm making fun of myself. Even though for about 3days before Jedi kept on saying that he missed me, according to history, it only last for a short period of time. Sigh... When will I ever learn!!

Chat with Karina and Kir today. hehe, two "K" at the same time! [giggle] Anyway, I watched this movie today. One of the characters on the film said something like this: "Beyond a solitude lies a worth of pride ..." Whether you think it's right or not, this line sticks on my head real good. Sometimes in life, you do need to be alone. Living your solitude moments doesn't mean that you lost your life. You just paused the traffic for some moment, living a peaceful time, then get back to real world with full charged energy. I'm not actually talking and advising silly uncoached meditation, but more challenging you people out there, to pause your busy life for a while. Listen to me guys, if you cant understand what I'm saying here, then you need one!!

'kubertahan walau tiada kau akhiri, segitiga, di antara kita'

Today is Jedi's birthday. But I didn't give him a call or sms. I guess, that's why he haven't give me a call till now. He might get hurt becoz of my attitude, or he might just dont care. I know I did it on purpose. But it's not basically for revenge. I dont know, just feel like wanna try and show him, that people can be the same way like you've done to them. Despite my foolish attitude, I already have a gift for him. And that is this journal that I've been writing for months. I keep it in a disk. So I'll give it to him, when I finally got to chance to meet him. Even though I dont know when ...

I miss him today, but I dont wanna let myself get hurt again. Dont know what, but I'll get hurt if I feel this emotions to deep. Somehow, I gotta show myself that I indeed could learn from past mistakes.

Doin almost nothing today at campus. Just take one class. However I've been in campus since 9.30 am!! I suppose to went to this seminar, but it turned out you gotta register first before you can get into the seminar.

Met a new friend today. His name is Klaus, a d3 German. We met on the bus. Silly aquaintance!! But he turned out to accompanied me until Didit came over. It was nice to get to know people from another major.

I'm so sleepy today. gotta get some sleep ...

Love you Jedi, sorry for today..

Oh dear!!

Yesterday I only had 2 class. So there I was, stranded at 'Payung' from 4.30pm till 7pm!! I managed to interviewed Sonny, then had a little fun talk with James, Icha and Didit. Ney came later and the three of us, Sonny, Ney and me, just sit there and enjoying the mist.. It was so peaceful yet mysterious. Cool sight actually! After that, Gaga asked me to show the way to Semeru. He and the rest of the guys were auditioned there. Then, Ervand and Rico picked me up. We took a dinner at Lalan's and went straight to Arena and played pool till 12am. Well, I got home after wards, and received a call from Aldi. He's having an accident. He broke his car pretty bad, I think.

Jedi called at 2 in the morning!! The first line that came out of his mouth was: Where have you been today? yaiks... that hits!

My feeling was right all along, he misses me. But he didn't have the courage to say it. I can understand why. That's the reason, when he finally said that he missed me, I only said 'thank you'. ?Maybe it hurts him, who hears it. But, I dont know what else to say. I miss him to, but ... then what?! the moment just stands still.

Ervand invited me to go out today. To this Chocolate Exhibition at Bidakara. I wasn't too interested, but I dont have nothing else to do on Saturday Nite. I wonder, he hasn't call me until now...


I guess *daydreaming* will do

It's been a while. Sometimes I think that I'm getting boring writing on this blog. But in a way, I find myself entertained by my own words. Silly isn't it?! Chat with Marisa and Tya today. It's pretty wacky!! HahAHa, love my new friends!!

Keep on searching for cool pics to put on my blog, but haven't found what I'm looking for. That's the same as looking for cool guys that meet my standards!! haha, so damn hard!!

There's some of the guys at campus that [at least these are the news that came to my ears, mostly they told it themselves, but the rest is from trusted sources], well.. they like me. Actually, at this moment, I dont care much about it. I dont understand why they can find me attractive or anything. Guys are still sucks for me. I cant understand they're way of thinking about relationships. They mostsy find it easy to get, and preserve. They usually so narrow minded. Never think about the future. Always tends to hurt other's feelings. I dont wanna get into more hurt for this year. Enough ...

Jedi is somehow wierd. His attitude, his ego, his feelings, I just cant comprehend. But then again, who I am in his life, that I should consider his self more precious than mine. Sometimes, I absolutely lost interest in him. But cant get enough of him either. Foolish me. Sometimes I cried and realized, that my actions towards him most likely comparable to a slut. I hate myself.

It's pretty hard picking the pics for today. Suddenly, my chat with Marisa gives me an idea. Why dont I look for Bjork's photos. She's cool and different.